Friday, June 12, 2009

The Five Heroic Traits

In class we w had to write a paper about our college graduation and the five things that would be said about us. Well I decided to have a little fun with it, luckily my professor is a sci-fi fan and loves a good satire.


The light, bell like ringing of a champagne glass fills the room and silences any and all chatter in the large dining hall, reverberating off of the vaulted ceilings. A broad shouldered, intense looking man with jet black hair that was neatly spiked over a heavy brow glided silently to the podium. He wore a black pinstriped Armani suit with bright black and gold cufflinks. This man carried a quiet authority that underscored the importance of this occasion. He spoke with a jovial, measured tone that belayed his rugged face.

“My friends, I thank you all for coming tonight and we all know why we are here; the night is almost over so I won’t keep you”

“My name is Colonel Brian Trevino and I am happily retired” this brought light laughter from the crowd.

“We are here today for two reasons. The first reason is; the grand opening of the Romy Astrovik Technology Center and Transhuman Museum. This wonderful facility will work as a public virtual library and education center for those who would otherwise not have access to a public computer, and is fully equipped with a staff that has, as their sole mission; is to train and tutor these people, free of charge”.

Applause fills the room.

“The second reason is today. He is graduating with a Doctorial Degree. He is now a Doctor of Psychology.

Even louder applause and cheers rose from the crowd.

Colonel Romy Astrovik; US Army retired. Secret Agent, crime fighter, the world’s first Bionic Super-Soldier, powered by a micro-solar converter that runs on beer and Vodka, he is a man of wonder for this bright, new age”.

Now, folks we all know the story: Colonel Astrovik; who was then just a wide-eyed, idealistic Lieutenant, lead his squad to victory in Afghanistan’s infamous ‘Battle in the Valley of Shadows’ back in2015. But victory came at a heavy price. Lt. Astrovik was blown up while clearing a Combat Support Hospital. But under the rubble he had survived”.

Brian takes a sip of Champagne and continued.

“Although he was missing limbs and had lost a lot of blood, his heartbeat was strong. They flew him to Ramestien Air Base in Germany. The Doctors said one thing…Gentlemen…we can rebuild him, we have the technology”.

“They made him better than he was before, better, stronger, faster: all for just under Six Million Dollars”.

“We are not here to talk about all the medals he has won: and there are a whole LOT of them. We are not here to talk about how he stopped the Red Goblin and his twisted terrorist group from blowing up Cleveland, Ohio; why Cleveland? Well, apparently he didn’t like the Browns”.

“We are not here to talk about how he and the Super-Joe Team defeated renegade industrialist Tex Tugrik and his League of Disarray when they attacked the newly rebuilt Twin Towers in New York. And he showed no fear as he trounced Rip De Lahousy and his All Girl Gang when they tried to evaporate all the beer in Germany.”

“That time…it was personal”.

“It takes a special kind of man to fight Ninja Girls wearing high heels and he was more than UP for the challenge”.

“No, my friends, we are here to talk about the kind of person it takes to graduate college; while being a real American Hero”.

“The first thing is that this is a person who finishes what he starts. He could have lamented his misfortune. But instead of quitting college, he stayed in.

“Secondly: He was prompt in turning in his assignments on time and correct: even while going through intense physical therapy and adjusting to having bionic limbs and cyborg implants”

“Thirdly, he is driven, he never gave up, never surrendered, and although he had initially only wanted an Associate’s Degree. He went on to get a Doctorate in Psychology. I am not sure any of us have the heart to do that while adjusting to Nanotechnology in your bloodstream: and all the while he was drunk and full of pills”.

“Can YOU do that? I didn’t think so”!

“Forth, he is loyal: not only did he stick with the School. In fact he dedicated his life to help others find the light of higher education.

“Finally, he is compassionate. Through being wise with his money and having a lucrative retirement from the service, he created a space where people can learn, grow, and evolve. And opening the Romy Astrovik Technology Center and Transhuman Museum and that is what defines a true hero; one who helps and defends those who cannot help themselves. Always setting the example that humankind should follow. That we are here on Earth to grow, change, and evolve”.

“Plus: he can drink anyone here under the table”.

“So I propose a toast. To Colonel Romy Astrovik a true Man of Steel, and making sure that everyone makes it to the technological singularity”.

They all drank up, rose from the table, and through hugs and applause strode towards a better tomorrow.

See you on the flipside of Infinity.

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