Wednesday, September 15, 2010

True Blood vs Twilight.


So True Blood just ended its third seasons. I Love True Blood and I think that its “Fangtastic”!

But I’ve got to get something off my chest.


People. I’m not going to get in to the rich literary and mythological history of our favorite, fanged, freaks that come out at night. I will even go as far as to say that even with all the books I’ve read on them, the movies I’ve watched about them; combined with the useless, random information rattling around in my skull; I am willing to admit that I may not be an expert on the subject. But I do know one thing ….
Vampires don’t fucking ‘SPARKLE’!

I am secure enough in my masculinity to admit that I like sparkly things. I LOVE the shiny.

I realize as a writer there is such a thing as ‘creative license’ but the gleaming jewel of feces that is the “Twilight” series takes it too far. Over the last few years I had seen the book popping appearing ubiquitously in bookstores everywhere I went. Over the last few years I saw it and its sequels multiply like Tribbles: not a threat, but annoying as hell. I saw otherwise sane and rational people falling under the spell of Stephanie Meyers book. There was even a movie coming out.

Being ever open- minded,sadly I fell for rational, sane people I’ve known for years saying ‘OMG you’ve GOT to read this. I tried it. And I could not finish it without retching.

Maybe it’s the fact that if I have I have grown past that wangsty, teenage stage of virginal, Jonas Brothers loving kid-dom. The whole I- want- to –bite- you- but- I won’t- because- I –love- you clap trap. Edward Cullen and all the so called Vampires in the Twilight Series (Excuse me “Saga”) are sheepish lions, dickless wonders. A vampire without fangs may as well be castrated; regardless of the gender of said Vampire. A character that has been created via sexual repression and frustration that is reflects the author’s own cluelessness about sexuality and Vampire lore. The heroine is a vapid, indecisive klutz who inspires no empathy whatsoever…unless you’re a 12 year old emo girl which is what Bella displays all of the maturity and emotional range. And how she has a Vampire AND Werewolf all hot for her scent is beyond me.

If you just have to see a movie about a young vampire romance, I recommend a little Swedish number from 2008 called “Let the Right One In”. It’s a true horror romance adapted from a book by the same name. There is even an “Americanized” version coming out next month called “Let Me In”. Normally I would be skeptical about it but Hammer Films is making the remake.

Why can’t we get Sam and Dean from “Supernatural” to take these piss-ant Twilight posers out of our collective misery? Where the hell is Buffy the Vampire Slayer when you need her? Better yet; THIS guy!


Oh…I forgot….in the final installment of the series; Bella and Edward DO finally get it on in what is less of a true expression of his great love for her it comes across more like a brutal, booty, beat down that is not sexy or erotic at all. It almost kills her: and like the rest of the series is written poorly; don’t even get me started on the pillow-biting. (It was Edward biting the pillow). Yes, I know WHY he bit the pillow; so he would not bite her, but at the risk of sounding politically incorrect, I find it funny as hell. They go on and have some kind of vampire-human offspring who grows at an accelerated rate and Jacob falls in love with….really. Please, give wolf-boy a break, or some therapy. Or call Chris Hansen to ask him to have a seat; right over there please.

This is why I will take Sookie Stackhouse over Emma Swan any day of the week.

If you don’t know who Sookie Stackhouse then you are missing the best show ever. Because even though the lore has changed over the years; such as whether or not a cold-skinned creature of the night can cross over running water (betcha forgot about THAT one); The Vampires of True Blood are what they are at their core: sexy, flawed, and fucking awesome.

If you are not watching True Blood you are missing out on a show that is peppered with; I dare say, biting satire that reflects several of the hot button topics that rankles American society today like social justice and Gay rights.

Set in a world where Vampires have “come out the Coffin “if you will. The Vampires drink a commercialized synthetic drink that can be sold at your corner bar or supermarket; hence the shows name. The third season began with the cast picking up the pieces of a the town being possessed by a Maenad (look it up)pleasure cult in season two; and just ended a super sexed-up, blood splattered, season of love, betrayal, addiction, revenge and voodoo. Plus, a cliffhanger from hell that whiplashes back to the very first episode, and could change everything.

I am not going to tell you that Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer burn up the screen, I’m not going to tell you how great the stories are,or how spot on the casting or acting is: because they shine for you themselves….

….But they don’t fucking sparkle.


See You on the Flipside of Infinity