Imagine thousands of thoughts colliding in your head; desperately wanting to get out; because you desperately need to express them, you desperately want to be understood. You can draw like Da Vinci, you can write like it’s your last days on Earth; but you are powerless to do anything about it, an inarticulate creative constipation worse than any sexual frustration.
Too many choices.
Imagine being aware of a Multiverse of possibilities and not being able to decide which way to go. Imagine a heart crushing loneliness of not being “known”; “is he that smart or is he that insane”….I could be both.
Too many choices.
Spinning your wheels in a mental swamp, fully aware of the impossible: and how to obtain it. But the timeless madness: the wellspring of your power, your creativity, is eating you alive.
This time it’s more than just one of your Synaesthetic Fugues; isn’t it? Your mind is going faster and faster, you feel time accelerating on nigh quantum levels. You feel yourself spinning as you feel the the planet itself move and breathe beneath your feet; and with it an ever present Darkness. It was two weeks ago when this feeling almost overpowered you. If you had a gun you would have put it in your mouth and done a Jackson Pollock on the wall behind you. But you were always better with a blade, weren’t you? And you have plenty of those around don’t you? The Ebony Blade from the war, your Ceremonial Dagger, even your good old fashioned Switchblade symphony from back in the day. The great thing about being a healer; you know all the pressure points, nerve endings and veins of the body. The bad thing about being a healer: that knowledge would make you a great torturer; or able to deliver instant death.
But you don’t want to hurt anyone; do you, anyone but yourself. PTSD moment? Infinite Midlife Crisis? You’ve got to quantify it with a snazzy title, don’t you: because you know you are well beyond your 19th Nervous Breakdown: and the Stones may be pissed that you swiped their title. Your eidetic memory is your blessing and your curse: it lets you remember every moment of your life with crystal clarity, the memories swirl in your mind like a whirlwind of Polaroid Pictures: Every joy, every triumph, every loss, every heartache, and every betrayal. And NO ONE remembers things like you do; you are a melancholy elephant striding across the world.
But you remember your friend, the tiny titan, the celestial Shaman who has been your saving grace. You remember her words
These words said to me by my sweet Honeychild.
If that Superstar Jesus Christ was a ringer for Audrey Hepburn, if J.C. were a Fire-Mage, she is what you would come up with.
“Fire walk with me”. You say to yourself, as her light washes over you.
You listen to her. You remember what she said to you that night: To bring all that energy in, that you were a tempest of emotion and that I needed to find peace…part of that was to be here in the NOW with her.
I’m a master of cognitive dissociation; which is probably why I understood the movie “Sucker Punch” so well; if you’ve lived a life of abuse you: “got it”. I’ve got millions of imaginary worlds to escape to; I’ve done it my entire life. But of all the Muses I’ve met in this long, twisted life, this tarnished yellow brick road; none have been able to yank me back into this reality, the present, the “NOW” like her. My Honeychild; psychically slapping some sense into me, shaking me back to the present hard enough to give me whiplash: and it is EXACTLY what I need. Like that 1970’s Skin Bracer commercial; she wakes me up like a cold slap in the face. And I am grateful for that. Just like in the commercial I say: Thanks, I needed that!
She’s all Fire and Air to my Earth and Water: we are united in the Fifth Element that sits at the top of that ancient five rayed star: Spirit.
This “Spirit” is God. God has many faces, many aspects, but it is a force that is love and light. All we have to do is ask….and it is given.
I remember what the Indigo Girls said: “Well Darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable, and Lightness has a call that’s hard to hear”. True that.
I run a bubble bath with Jasmine, and Chamomile, Water is one of my elements. I sink into it with a cup of herbal tea: one of Grandma’s recipes. I relax, I allow myself to just “be”. To take this illusion of life less seriously…its only life after all.
Thank you Honeychild for that lesson.
But life is a gift not to be squandered, not to be thrown away. I have too much shit to do…and miles to go before I sleep.
All my life I have been looking for Narnia, for Xavier’s Mansion, that magical kingdom where I would be free of life’s pain; free to be me. Looking for love in all the wrong places: when I should have been learning to love myself. Looking for the Kingdom of Heaven…when it was inside of me all along. I think back over the last month: Three eclipses on each major Moon phase. Every mystic and lightworker I know calling ME wondering what the fuck is going on. Well, this world is changing. No we are not going to die in 2012, but we may have an energy shift. And we’re all feeling it. I sequester myself in the Fortress of Solitude. I send my energy to the molten core of the Earth. I bring it back up through my Chakras’; sending it to the Celestial Firmament. I call upon the light of the Archangels, I call upon the Prince of the Countenance; Archangel Metatron, I call down the the light of God in the name of Christ. Then I bring the light back down to me. As Enoch is to Metatron, as Heaven is to Earth.
As Above…So Below.
I realized there is a reason I survived my horrible childhood for a reason (and it was a lot worse than living in a dark cupboard like young Mr. Potter.) There’s a reason I survived so many slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. There is a reason I died for five minutes; and came back. I have a purpose. I shall build Xavier’s Mansion. I will survive with the Willpower of Green Lantern. I shall build my house upon rock, a Kingdom to help and heal those in need.
But I cannot do that until I fix ME. To “Man Up” and face these demons. Just one more Giant to kill, one more monster to Smite: and death shall have no dominion.
And I am “Right here…Right Now”!
Now I have to go….there’s much to do.
See you on the Flipside of Infinity.